A 100 word play

I had a go at one, for the Royal Court's rather spiffing search for lots. Full opus below.

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Gin

Elizabeth II picks up a phone and dials. We hear:

Automatic recording Welcome to We’re As Skint As You Are Financial Services. Please choose from the following options:

Press 1 for a shouting match about your statement.

Press 2 to have your card cut-up and poked into your eyes.

Press 3 to pawn eBay wins and useless relatives.

Press 4 to talk to someone in Tajikistan called Bazza.

For all other enquiries, please hold.

Brian Hello. Thanks for calling We’re As Skint As You Are. Can I take your special security password please?

Elizabeth Gin. The answer is always gin.