Fiction: Rutland Weekend Horrorvision

"Why did Martin Amis phone you from prison? Something to do with football. Better than a trip to Ipswich?"

"Martin’s been banged up after banging on about sexporninforeligiomoney for too long. He blames Barnes, not least because Mart was arrested in Leicester, which is, as we know, the home of pies.

"Anyway, after famously falling out with Jools over the quality of the mid-90s pies, he now thinks that the way to get back at him is to organize some form of charity footer match, involving the lags that’s he’s currently residing with at Ashby de la Zouch open nick. And then some high grade pimp-pumping violence. He called me, to see if I’d be in on the caper, bring the coshes, and if I had some way back in to talk to Jools and suggest the idea.

"Anyway, it’s all good research for his latest tome, working title, Rutland Weekend Horrorvision."